Welcome To The Bowland Badass

What is the Bowland Badass?

The Bowland Badass is a torturous 167-mile cloverleaf-shaped route that begins and ends in Garstang, dipping and diving up and down an almost seemingly endless succession of hills, all within the Forest of  Bowland Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty (including Pendle Forest). With over 18,500 feet (over 5500 metres) of ascent, this fiendish route criss-crosses some of the most scenic countryside that Lancashire has to offer in a relentless series of punishing climbs, the rare flat sections few and far between. Pushed up against yourself and your ability to endure, you suffer and smile, pedalling onwards into darkness. Can you do it? Of course you can, or you can certainly bust your guts trying……….

Originally envisaged as a club ride by some members of a local cycling club, the Badass was first completed in the summer of 2011 by nine foolhardy riders. The inaugral running of the Bowland Badass 2012 came and went in a blur of bhajis, burnished sun beams, and harrowing exhaustion……Success!! It was such a blast that we have decided to throw it open again to a limited number of all comers on the 6th July 2013. For the cheap and cheerful cost of £10, you’ll get to become a Bowland Badass.

So what do I get for my tenner?

First of all, it is not just a sportive. It is a largely self-supporting challenge ride. Your money will go on insurance (for us) and some food (for you). Yes, a kind, local benefactor has laid on two vans that will be parked at strategic points along the route with food and water. You will sign in at the start point, and sign out at the finish point and be given a completion time. You might even have to sign in at the two van stations if we can be bothered. We will ensure you have completed the ride with the time-honoured method of checking your bike computer to see you’ve got more or less the required mileage, and believing you when you say you have done it. In summary therefore, you get:

  • NEW for this year…a number for your bike!
  • A link to an electronic map and/or we send you a GPX file for your Garmin.
  • A set of instructions that you can follow
  • Arrow signs/painted arrows at strategic points/changes of direction 
  • A beautiful ride along largely car free roads and lots of empty sky above you (though we don’t guarantee the colour or moisture levels)
  • Insurance cover (in addition to your own, which we presume you have as a matter of course).
  • A couple of vans with some food and water (do not rely on these solely for your sustenance however because once we’ve spent your tenner that’s it, and if you follow a strict nutrition/hydration/beauty regime then bring your powders, potions and lotions with you)
  • A few cafes/shops along the way where you’ll be able to forage for all those extra calories you will most certainly need (you’ll require money for this)
  • A few riders out there who’ve done it before, know the roads, and whom you can follow at a gasping distance/ride along with/blast into the weeds like the vermin that they are (depending on preference)
  • Signing in/out
  • Start/finish point with a time given
  • A story to tell the grandkids

You do NOT get:

  •  Mechanical help (though there might be a track pump and a few grubby tools in each of the vans)
  • Motorcycle outriders (the only motorcyclists you’ll see are local clubs out for a burn up)
  • Police cover (though it is said that there are some policemen in the Lancashire area from time to time).
  • Medical assistance (St. Johnis not our patron saint, it is St. Billy No Mates)
  • Sag wagon (if you have either a mechanical problem or a cardiac arrest you’ll be making your own way home, and public transport/mobile phone coverage is a tad sketchy in Bowland)
  • Electronic timing/numbers (this might be nice, but it costs money and needs organisation, neither of which we possess in the required amounts)
  • T-shirt/participants pack (if you want a t-shirt, a crumpled packet of gel and a bunch of useless leaflets to chuck on the fire we suggest you stump up £30 and go and do a “proper sportive” and wait in a queue for 3 hours at the end along with 50,000 other people)

It sounds tough……why should I do it?

If you want to do it precisely because it sounds tough, then this is the ride for you. It’s an old-fashioned event in the audax/reliability ride style. If you’re thinking “Ride 167 miles AND have to carry a pie!” then don’t bother entering. If you can get up tomorrow morning early and pop out a 100-mile ride with no prep and no fuss (and then do it again the next day) then download the entry form now (or get in contact with us through our contact page).

What do I need to bring to the party?

The usual things: A bike, a lid, a brain, common sense, a bike computer that works, and a good set of legs. We’ll cover our arses with a fulsome set of rules and regulations as dictated by our insurer.

How long does it take?

Best time so far is 10  hours 59 minutes, set by the King of the Bowland Badass 2012, Sven Wardle. The start time is 07:00 and we expect times of between 10 and 15 hours (after 15 hours the guy who takes your name at the end will either have gone home or be too pissed to understand your incoherent, exhausted ramblings). If you do better than 10 hours we might buy you a pint or give you a trophy (in accordance with your preference).

Can I recce it?

If you want to do sections of the course beforehand, then why not? You can ride the whole damn thing on your own if you like……….

Can I race it?

By all means be our guest if that floats your boat, but if you do it on the day you will be listed merely as a finisher along with everyone else (though we might append times to the list of Badass finishers and if you’re really anal you can export the whole lot into an Excel spreadsheet and work out just how many other people you squashed like bugs and then re-post it on Facebook or whatever….)

A nice route, a drop of insurance and a bit of food…..Is it worth a tenner?

Ride 167 miles up and down a big load of hills with no food and no-one else mad enough to do it with you and then ask yourself the question again.

View the Bowland Badass route

Bowland Badass 2014 Done and Dusted!

 

A conversation recently heard heading up Whalley Nab 122 miles into the ride on Badass day:

Badass 1:“I f****ing hate this!”

Badass 2: “You should’ve fitted a compact!”

Badass 1: “Real men don’t use compacts……they walk!!”

Prof: “Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh……”

He didn’t walk by the way, because he is a Badass.  About 20 fools turned up. How many finished? The answer to that is between them and their maker.

The Bowland Badass Rides Again!

Spring is in the air, and all you naughty Badasses have been out there putting the big miles and mankini shopping in preparation for your forthcoming role as the Buttertubs Bollockflasher during Le Grand Depart on the first weekend of July. But we’ve noticed a lingering sense of disappointment, even sadness, in the rain-laden air. No Bowland Badass this year…sniffle, sniffle. Why oh why?

The Prof sneaks off icognito

The Prof sneaks off icognito

After the glorious success of last year’s edition the Prof just said no. He simply refused point blank to organize another one. When asked to elucidate his  refusal he merely squawked in our faces like a rook on crack and disappeared back to his lair in Badass Mansions in a cloud of black dust.

It was no surprise this January when we checked the thrice-locked cellar door at his place and found it bust open. Peering into the gloomy darkness we saw the weighty lid of the Prof’s lead-lined sarcophagus lying cast aside. Of Mrs. Badass we found no trace, except for a clump of blonde hair in the hallway and some fingernail scratchmarks on the wall. It was clear. The Prof had migrated.

Imagine our surprise in early March when we chanced upon him soft pedalling down Garstang High Street with his wizened little face hairy as hell and brown as a pickled walnut, his twig like legs turning the cranks in slow motion.  

Somewhere far away

Somewhere far away

It turns out he’d buggered off to warmer climes over the winter and now he was back, and talking about doing the Bowland Badass one last time this summer.

YES! You heard it right. The Bowland Badass rides again!

So what happens now? The BB has changed. It’s become a run what you brung happening. There are no entry forms or fees, no signs, no feed stops, no insurance, no nothing. On 12th July a local posse (including the Prof), will set off from Bowland Badass Headquarters at 06:30 A.M. and trundle round the course, and anyone is welcome just to turn up and join us. All you’ll need is your bike, your Garmin with the route on it, a napsack full of goodies, a fresh set of legs and a devil may care attitude to extreme suffering….Simples!

Here is a link to the downloadable route:

 http://connect.garmin.com/course/2444810

The strava segment:

 http://www.strava.com/segments/4534821

 

The Badass is dead! Long live the Badass!

Alas! Alack! Boo! Hiss! Oh bum!

Yes, it is with great, deep, burning regret that the organizers of the galactically famous first ever ultra sportive in Britain have to announce that it will not be taking place in the summer of 2014. 

Atmospheric photo for the purpose of inculcating a moody sense of loss in your soul

Atmospheric photo for the purpose of inculcating a moody sense of loss in your soul

Last week we trundled over to Badass Mansions, and after persuading Mrs. Prof  to open the vast, wooden door that bars entrance to the deep, dank cellar with a wheezy twist of a giant, rusty key we entered the darkness and shouted out:

“Prof! Prof! Are we doing the Badass again next year?”

We were met with a distant, echoing expletive-laden answer that set our poor nerves a janglin’ and our hearts a beatin’ all jaggedy like. We beat a hasty retreat. Apparently, the Prof will be focusing on “other projects” for next year. When we hear more news on what these might be we’ll let you know. What is clear is that they will involve 2 wheels and intense suffering.

But do not fear Badasses! The Bowland Badass lives on as a segment in Stravaland and a GPX file that we can send you. You can ride the Badass anytime you bloody well like! What is more, some local Badasses will be riding out from Badass Headquarters near the end of July 2014 and all Badasses (and their rufty tufty mates) are invited to join us. No signs, no feed stops, just you, your garmin, and a rucksack chock full of pasties, gels, and weeping saddle sore unguent………….Join us again, if you dare!

The Prof pursues other projects

The Prof pursues other projects

Bowland Badass 2013 Did you really do it?

It was 04:55  and the fusty air of the Badass lair was rent by the shrill shrieking of one of those new-fangled smartphone devices. Professor Badass woke with a heart teetering start, his scrawny torso wrapped in an anxious, dream-crumpled sheet. He leapt from his pit to the window on rickety legs. Peeking out through the curtains he noted the weather conditions: No wind – tick. No rain – tick. Clear sky – tick. He grabbed the angry, buzzing device in a gnarled claw, and started jabbing at it fruitlessly.

“How do I turn this damn thing off!” he shouted, capering about the room like a burning bug under a  magnifying glass.

“Give it to me you twat and piss off!” replied Mrs. Badass grumpily.

She snatched it from his hand and turned off the alarm, before giving him a hard stare, rolling over and continuing to snooze gracefully. The Prof scuttled downstairs for his first, but by no means last, coffee of the day. Thus started Saturday 7th July, the day of the Bowland Badass 2013. 

 

Please let it go down!

Please let it go down!

 

I’m pretty sure the next bit is down……

They’re taking the piss!

It’s going down now……wahaaay!

The Bowland Badass team were still setting out their stall at their headquarters when the first riders started to appear at 05:50. Just over an hour later, after a flurry of frantic activity, the last rider thundered out of the industrial unit and quiet descended. Shortly after, the Feed Stop vans trundled off loaded with an eclectic range of goodies and water, and Mrs.Badass was despatched as sweeper to collect the first 50 miles of signs. The Professor installed himself in the office by the phone to field calls, with the coffee pot putt putt putting darkly behind him. About 3 hours later the fastest riders were hitting the first feed stop in a frenzy of calorie downloading, and the Prof was swinging from the rafters like a jittery, black-bearded tomb bat, his stomach taut with caffeinated liquid and his bladder parping in distress.

With his evil minions out on the route the Prof shortly began to receive florid reports of serious high-end suffering as the 103 participants ground their suppurating souls slowly into dust in the baking heat of the Badass mortar and pestle. It was hot out there! Oh yes! It was hard out there, very, very bloody hard! Oh yes! The Prof swooped down from his perch with a high screech, banging into windows in a dizzy state of vicarious joy. Of those who started 3 got lost, 25 suffered a variety of mechanical and biomechanical failures, and the rest somehow made it back.

The first 2 riders home rolled in together at 16:50, looking like they’d spent the previous 10 hours bashing each other with baseball bats.

John Rigby, first finisher, accepts enormous trophy

John Rigby, first finisher, accepts enormous trophy

The Prof settled down to merrily contemplate the wide variety of grimaces, squeals of distress, and ludicrously funny walks that turned up over the ensuing hours. And so they came, the finishers, in bone weary dribs and muscle-wrecked drabs, to drape themselves painfully over Badass benches, sup on life-giving juice and mournfully munch biscuit after biscuit, unsure of whether their lives held meaning any longer or not.

And then? Well then they just began to leave, and go home to spend the rest of their mortal time on this earth with a bunch of ordinary people who have, and will never have, any conception of the mind bending enormity of what they had just done. This is the way of the Badass. With twilight edging fitfully round the corners of Badass headquarters and the returning riders growing fewer and farther apart, the team hunkered down into their chairs with a few bottles of beer to await the crowning moment of the day, the arrival of the final rider home.

Time started to bend and unravel in black threads as beer after beer was cracked open, and the evening dithered and got lost in the night.

The "Incredible McGinnigle" accepts his Badass Rouge prize

The “Incredible McGinnigle” accepts his Badass Rouge prize

Suddenly the Prof sprang bolt upright from his chair, spilling a splash of golden Peroni on his pants. He’d sensed something, a distant whirring in the darkness as the universe squatted on its haunches and softly sighed. Out in the doomed, crepuscular reaches of almost midnight Garstang a tiny light began to jink and bob in the emptiness. What was it? Could it be? Suddenly he was there, unsteadily astride his steed, with a face-splitting smile etched across his fatigued features. After an anus-chafing 16 hours and 44 minutes in the saddle, he had arrived. The Badass team let out an almighty roar and gathered around him, hoping to touch a sweaty, dirt-stained sleeve. It was the Badass Rouge!

As the clock struck midnight the Professor crawled back under his sheet, closed his gimlet eyes, and let out a sly goodnight fart. The Bowland Badass 2013 was done. Will there ever be another ultra-sportive to match it?

BB2013 Results

Ok folks, here we go. The Prof has been beavering away in his dungeon with a blunt pencil and a torn serviette, totting up your splits and elapsed times. After many long hours he started raving and yammering like a puppy that’s just scoffed his drug dealer owner’s crack stash and he wasn’t very co-operative when we asked him for the final results. Luckily we are experienced in Badass husbandry and he rendered them up to us when we darted him with a sedative through a peephole in the door. As we sealed him gently in his sarcophagus he was heard to utter the words “Never, never again…….”

For the record we had circa 130 entrants, 103 starters, and 75 finishers.  The list is ordered in terms of time taken so you can find yourself easily by checking against your own record of how long you took.

Number

Name

Start

FS1

FS2

FS3

Finish

Time

72

John Rigby

642

954

1235

1507

1650

10:08

61

Seb Ramsay

640

956

1247

1507

1650

10:10

138

Richard Shilling

651

1020

1314

1535

1714

10:23

28

Sven Wardle

640

1010

1306

1530

1713

10:33

101

Rich Hunt

640

1008

1304

1530

1713

10:33

3

Simon Cullen

640

1008

1305

1542

1725

10:45

71

Philip Bradshaw

640

1010

1300

1535

1729

10:49

92

Ross Malpass

640

956

1251

1531

1736

10:56

119

Steven Ward

641

1022

1329

1557

1742

11:01

117

Matthew “The Beard” Barnes

640

1008

1309

1559

1800

11:20

106

Richard Dewhurst

636

1016

1328

1512

1758

11:22

80

Adrian Healey

636

1015

1320

1606

1801

11:25

74

James Roberts

634

1014

1324

1606

1801

11:27

51

Mark Bayne

640

1008

1331

1629

1828

11:48

121

Marc Osmand

631

1010

1329

1628

1825

11:54

122

Adam Dauer

631

1019

1329

1628

1825

11:54

100

Marc Notley

631

1030

1348

1638

1843

12:12

18

Robert Lowe

638

1022

1350

1654

1852

12:14

120

Lee Evans

631

1019

1329

1639

1848

12:17

126

Derek Leggett

633

1059

1413

1654

1852

12:19

21

Jim Savege

634

1034

1359

1655

1900

12:26

114

Jonathan Manning

635

1019

1330

1642

1901

12:26

115

Welf Lixenfeld

625

1046

1406

1654

1852

12:27

134

Mark Collinson

642

1047

1427

1714

1912

12:30

112

Paulo Campos

635

1031

1408

1703

1906

12:31

27

Adrian Hughes

642

1049

1417

1720

1921

12:39

4

Chris Cullen

641

1049

1417

1720

1921

12:40

105

Dave Pearson

642

1047

1430

1726

1926

12:44

58

David Smith

635

1043

1406

1709

1924

12:49

59

Michael Smith

635

1043

1406

1709

1924

12:49

108

Dafydd Williams

631

1023

1353

1710

1920

12:51

81

Paul Bailey

634

1034

1413

1727

1930

12:56

94

Mark Edwards

634

1034

1408

1720

1939

13:05

95

Lindy Edwards

634

1034

1408

1720

1939

13:05

17

Alan Bamber

639

1042

1442

1738

1949

13:10

88

William Pawson

638

1042

1414

1736

1949

13:11

8

Kevin Bennison

632

1033

1420

1736

1944

13:12

85

Adam Webster

641

1050

1432

1751

2011

13:30

2

Bob Pugh

649

1113

1520

1814

2023

13:34

130

Richard Sharples

639

1047

1433

1751

2014

13:35

97

Michael Diver

633

1100

1445

1802

2016

13:43

47

Neil Warner

642

1050

1442

1814

2029

13:47

65

James Stewart

648

1100

1516

1822

2036

13:48

87

Damian Ludlow

648

1100

1516

1821

2036

13:48

102

Steven Kinsley

625

1041

1433

1752

2014

13:49

70

Andrew Lacey

648

1100

1516

1822

2043

13:55

666

Gareth Williams

647

1100

1516

1814

2043

13:56

39

Neil Shand

649

1056

1446

1815

2053

14:04

76

Gareth Moon

652

1056

1517

1837

2057

14:05

77

David Lowe

652

1056

1517

1837

2057

14:05

78

Kial Wright

652

1056

1517

1837

2057

14:05

79

Simon Froberg

652

1056

1517

1837

2057

14:05

128

Jennifer Hutton

624

1048

1446

1819

2041

14:07

129

Nick Hewitt

624

1048

1446

1819

2041

14:07

98

Sean Savage

635

1046

1445

1819

2047

14:12

89

Michael Neary

648

1044

1521

1852

2111

14:23

15

Richard Haughton

646

1111

1525

1855

2112

14:26

60

Nick Hunt

646

1111

1525

1855

2112

14:26

73

Austin Aldred

646

1111

1525

1855

2112

14:26

99

Martin Lefley

646

1111

1525

1855

2112

14:26

137

Darren Trippier

646

1111

1525

1855

2112

14:26

13

Michael Wignall

650

1112

1515

1913

2123

14:33

14

Mark Binham

650

1112

1515

1913

2123

14:33

36

Mark Holden

638

1109

1521

1851

2115

14:37

38

Peter Holden

638

1109

1521

1851

2115

14:37

116

Aidan Carson

626

1043

1503

1837

2106

14:40

12

Steven Cartmell

642

1105

1503

1849

2126

14:44

86

Paul Johnson

642

1105

1503

1849

2126

14:44

19

Duncan Davis

635

1100

1535

1915

2144

15:09

63

Paul Timbrell

634

1119

1603

1931

2153

15:19

135

Mark Simpson

648

1055

1533

1941

2226

15:38

83

David Robinson

646

1102

1541

1947

2226

15:40

25

Daniel Walker

649

1113

1557

2018

2256

16:07

26

Jim Truscott

649

1113

1521

2018

2256

16:07

82

Stephen McGinnigle

641

1129

1645

2025

2325

16:44

BB2013 Event instructions

The time for Badassing is almost upon us, so we thought we’d post a few “event instructions”………..in the form of questions answered.

 How do I get to Bowland Badass Headquarters? Use a sat nav, mobile phone, or a map, or print out a google map. The address is as follows:

Lakes Garage Doors (Bowland Badass Headquarters)

Unit 5

Leachfield Industrial Estate

Green Lane West

GARSTANG

PR3 1PR

Where should I park? There won’t be any parking on the industrial estate itself (it’s only little and it’ll be business as usual on the Saturday), but there are plenty of residential streets nearby where you can park. We don’t recommend parking on Green Lane West due to the number of lorries and vans that use the road over the course of the day. There are some residential roads nearby: Dorchester Road, Windsor Road, Hawthorne Avenue, Leicester Avenue, Sussex Drive.

Do I need to sign on? Yes. You can sign on from 06:00 to 07:00. This is principally so we can give you your rider number and record your presence. We envisage a staged start. “Racers” (trying for 12 hours or less elapsed time and wanting others to work with) will leave at 06:40 and “Survivors” (12 -15 hours elapsed time and in need of some like-minded company) will leave at 06:45. We are flexible around this though. You can leave earlier or later if you wish. The main thing is we need to know exactly when you start so we can record it. If you haven’t left by 07:15 you’re either late, very fast, carrying lights, or a bit of a loon.

Is there a safety briefing? Yes, at 06:30. Other than this we’ve placed important safety information on the ride instructions. Even if you do not use them please give them a read through and take note of difficult bits, e.g. the naughty left hander on the descent of Jeffrey Hill.

Are there toilet facilities? There is one toilet at the unit. Please bear this in mind when planning your pre-ride dump. By the way, if there is a queue ladies get a pass straight to the front of it. Ladies please remember to leave the seat up once you’ve finished.

Are there shower facilities? No, and no complimentary massage either. Bring your own rollers for your warm up/down (Bradley doesn’t share).

Is there food at the start? No. Your breakfast is your affair.

Where will the feed stops be during the event? The first feed stop will a van parked up at approximately 62 miles with the following legend written on the side “Lakes Garage Doors”. pendle-hill-walk-002The second feed stop will be a similar van in Downham village at approximately 106 miles. Last year we managed to get a van to the top of Longridge Fell at 142 miles, but do not rely on this. The key to getting round the Badass in one piece is a well-paced ride built on a good nutrition/hydration strategy. We suggest you think carefully about energy gels/bars, and how much energy drink powder you need to bring with you to supplement whatever food you might eat at the feed stops. Remember there are shops/cafes on the way if you’re taking a more leisurely approach.

Do I need to stop at the feed stops? Yes. Well, you paid for the food and you might need to re-fill your bottles so it would be a good idea. Also, we want to record time splits and make sure we know where everyone is. So please stop and give your name/number and we’ll match it up with your name/number on our sheet and assign you a time. We might also want to check your cycle computer to verify your mileage (we’re presuming everyone will have a cycle computer of some sort). If you’ve arranged your own support we’d still like you to stop and shout your name at us.

What about the signs? We will sign the route on the Friday (it took us 14 bloody hours last year), but, as with all sportives, there is the chance that some signs might be removed or even repositioned. Last year a dickhead farmer knocked down a sign at the left turn into Rigg Lane at the bottom of Littledale descent which caused some to overshoot. Luckily one of our local lads who knew the way stopped and re-erected the sign for those following. We also think we had a sign removed/torn down in Tosside.

What about ride instructions? We’ll send a set of ride instructions to all of you, as well as the GPX file for Garminers (if you haven’t already got one). You can print out the ride instructions and laminate them/stuff them in your back pocket as you see fit. We recommend you bring a map or a print out of a map if you don’t know the area. Most, though not all, of the route can be found on Ordnance Survey Explorer Map OL41.

What about road conditions? The Prof trundled round the route yesterday to check everything is still there. He reports that a number of roads have been re-surfaced and road works have been popping up seemingly at random all over the place.

Beautiful potholes

Beautiful potholes

However, the roads can best be described as gnarly in places and it appears that a giant tarmac gobbling mole has been biting holes out of the road surfaces all over the Bowland Badlands. The descent off Marl Hill down to Easington crossroads is especially bad this year as you go down through the trees. Under no circumstances should you attempt to kill yourself here. We strongly suggest you go for the extra weight of puncture proof tyres (the last thing you want to be doing on a 167 mile ride is fixing multiple punctures). If you go for racier tyres make sure they are new and have plenty of rubber on them.

Do I need insurance? YES (British Cycling or CTC). Our insurance is for us if you or we do something stupid, not for you.

What happens at the finish? When/If you get back, we’ll record your time, shake your hand, and say well done. Then you go home or to the pub, depending on your preference. We might allow you to mill about aimlessly for a while or lie down on the floor if we’re feeling kind.

What if I crash or have a heart attack? Dial 999/112.

What if I have a mechanical? There’ll be a track pump and a few tools at each feed stop. Other than that you’re on your own. We’ll get in a few inner tubes that we can sell on to you at cost at the feed stops, so bring some money (No, we won’t give you change for a £20! You’ll just have to put up with carrying a few of those heavy pound coins).

What if I’m late to the start? Call us on our Bowland Badass Headquarters Hotline at 01524220030.

What if find I’m going to take longer than 15 hours to get round? We hope you’ll have considered that possibility in advance and equipped yourself with lights. If you’re going to be late because of a mechanical or because you’re exhausted but still desperately want to finish and get a time, just give us a ring keep us in the loop. We might wait for you.

What if I decide to sack it? Please give us a ring. We’re sure you can look after yourself but it would be nice to know you’re not lying senseless in a ditch somewhere. Better still pop back to Bowland Badass Headquarters for us to officially record your mileage and tease you.

What if I get lost? The Prof will be standing by at BBH to field calls from lost souls. He’ll be able to set you on the right track. Having said this last year he fielded calls from only 2 people, but both of them kept getting lost!

What if I find I need a garage door? Our proud sponsors – “Lakes Garage Doors” – will be pleased to supply one.

I’m not yet scared enough about this ride, despite the fact that it is exceedingly long and hard. What should I do? Read through our Bowland Badass Climbs section again.

See you on Saturday 6 July bright and early!!!

The Bowland Badass Team

Postal entries for Badass now closed

Due to the vagaries of our once great and smoothly functioning postal system we know that an entry form posted today might not necessarily get to us in time for next Saturday.bowland-badass-2012-013 Therefore, postal entries are now closed. However, we will accept some entries on the day. You can request an entry form for filling out and bring it with you (and the £10 in cash), or you can just be a complete randommer and hoon into view from nowhere at 0600 on 6 July (if you do you will probably have to be self-sufficient however). Remember, we have to provide food and our budget is extremely tight, so we need to be sure you’ll turn up (or not) by Wednesday afternoon next week.

Will you be the Badass Rouge?

In the Tour de France the rider who finishes last is accorded the coveted distinction of being the “Lanterne Rouge”. Traditionally, this position has become much sought after over the years. Here at the Bowland Badass we have fashioned our own downmarket version of this for the person who drags their shattered carcass back to Bowland Badass Headquarters last: The Badass Rouge. Oh yes! Oh yes! Oh yes!

Turbino Badass inspects the prize

Turbino Badass inspects the prize

What is more there is a no expenses spared prize up for grabs. Last year the “Great Plattini” scooped this prestigious award with a thumping time of 15 hours and 43 minutes. This year we are sure that the quest to be the last finisher will be extraordinarily tough with many hardy souls vying for the title of Badass Rouge. We hear tales of epic cake eating and marathon telly sessions as some of our participants limber up for a crack at it. So, we’re sure there will be plenty of you vying for this honour and hoping to be in with a shout of winning this amazing prize…… but remember, in order to win it you actually have to finish the Badass. Nobody gets a prize for being an utterly pathetic DNF-er!

My Leg’s Dropped Off!!!

There are many reasons why you can’t and shouldn’t do the Badass………………………….

Spectre of Badass dread that Haunts you

Spectre of Badass Dread that Haunts you

But equally there are 10 extremely important reasons why you should. £10!!! You’ve sent us the money and now you propose to waste it? We’ve heard everything hear at Badass Headquarters. Excuses, excuses, excuses!!!! Here are a few:

1. I’ve had a colo-rectal prolapse and I’m currently using my lower bowel as an impromptu saddlebag.

2. I’m 8-months pregnant (pish!).

3. I ordered a new bike in January, but it’s not come yet and I appear to still be getting around using my car.

4. I’ve been unlucky enough to encounter many pies and pieces of cake on my travels in the last few months.

5. I fell off descending the Trough of Bowland and mangled my widgets on the crossbar.

6. My itsy bitsy teeny weeny Siberian hamster has been wheely poorly lately.

7. I was in the neighbour’s chicken coop last night and was sorely importuned by a local fox.

8. My wife/husband forbids me (get a new one!).

9. I have a nasty rash which flares up when moist, and boy has it been rainin’ lately!

10. I entered in a flush of Wiggocity and then realized I’ve never pedalled my rusty Raleigh Grifter farther than the local   fish n chip shop.

11. I heard it might rain and it’s well-known I’m made of sugar lumps and duckling pubes.

12. Etbloodycetera………..

Ok you chicken, let’s talk turkey. Get a map. Check the route. There are various cut-outs on the way (Tosside, Slaidburn, Waddington) from where you can cruise back to Garstang and go short (95, 105, 120 miles respectively). You’ll get listed as a DNF and we’ll scorn you fully and completely upon your tail between the legs return, but hey you’ll be able to scoff a few sarnies at the first feed stop (mile 62 or so) and shiver palely in the shadows of true Badasses. Reflected glory was never such good value for money you pale and puny-legged pipsqueak.

What was that? You’ve entered and you’ve every intention of finishing? You’ve trained like hell for it, put in the miles? In fact you’re a legend under your own torch-lit duvet when it comes to turning the wheels? Now we’ve planted a seed of doubt in your mind. What’s that….the beginnings of deep and savage spiritual torment brewing in your soul? Good. Suffer baby suffer!!

 

 

 

 

Not long to go till the day of reckoning!

There’s just over a month left till the annual painfest that is the Badass kicks off and you submit yourself to the Bowland rack and thumbscrew. That  damn crazy Lancashire Rain God still can’t seem to decide what he’s doing with the slippery stuff as usual, but badassing is still possible in the Bowland Badlands. It’s been nowhere near as wet as last year, and some serious training has been done thus far. The Professor has been keeping a beady eye on what many of  our entrants have been up to.  Familiar faces have been seen pounding out the miles in the local hills and some massive rides have already been posted on the interweb. Why it was just the other day that the Professor was driving one-handed home from Sainsburys  in Garstang back over Bowgreave Hill with an open packet of sliced chorizo balanced precariously on his knee when he saw a Badass entrant coming the other way churnin’ and gurnin’  frantically as he tried to replicate the unendurable agony that awaits over this last tiny rise before the final mile back to Bowland Badass Headquarters.

What do you mean you haven’t been putting the miles in? What do you mean you’ve put on a stone since Christmas? What do you mean there is a layer of dust an inch thick on your bike? Hey, we know for sure that some of our braver entrants have actually been doing less than bugger all and frequenting the establishments of numerous ruthless cake and pastry purveyors in a steely-eyed determination to hit the Badass cold, with the minimum of preparation. Hey, it  worked for a few guys last year, so that’s fine by us. There’s your first excuse for not doing it just gone out the window. What else can you think of? The weather? last year it planked it down for 12 long hours the day before the Badass.  And on the day, THERE WAS SUNSHINE! There goes your second excuse. What your leg fell off and the surgeons put it back on the wrong way round and your time is currently being taken up in the courts pursuing a medical malpractice case? Hopalong you whinger! Get your bike out the garage and give the wheels a spin. We won’t take no for an answer……….you’ve paid us a tenner now just turn up and get your money’s worth.

What do you mean you haven’t entered yet? You lazy slug! As of this moment we’ve got 96 eager masochists through the door and spaces are drying up. Get that form in the post or suffer the ignominy of never being able to tell your grandchildren how stupid you were once…..